Melmac One Half
by borg rabbit
Summary: Silly little one shot. Err...two shot? Two and a half shot?
1. Sailor Melmac

Don't own Ranma 12 or Alf. Just a thought for a silly one shot. Alf meets Ranma.  
**Melmac One Half**

Ranma was pretty happy. The Kunos were all committed to an institution and Happosai had been arrested and hauled off to another planet by the galactic police in a block of carbonite for groping an alien princess named Ayeka. Pantyhose Taro had picked a fight with Shampoo and had defeated her after knocking Ranma out with a strike from behind. Now, Shampoo was chasing Taro and Mousse was chasing them both. Ukyo had married Konatsu. A car driving through a mud puddle in front of Akane splashed Ryoga. Now he was in the hospital getting skin grafts from his butt to his head because she decided to scalp him. Ryoga's scalp now decorated Akane's mallet handle. Since then she had avoided bashing Ranma and they had actually gone on a couple of dates. Life was good, then Murphy farted.

The skies were ominous with odd sorts of lightning and odd colored clouds. Ranma and his father were sparring a.k.a. pound the panda. Akane was watching the two go at it from the porch when the panda man got a lucky shot with his foot and knocked Ranma into the pond. A red headed Ranma jumped out of the pond when what sounded like a thunderclap knocked her and her panda father to the ground. Akane saw what happened. An egg shaped object had crashed into the pond and arcs of electricity were flashing across the thing's surface. Gradually the light show died down and a hatch opened up on the part above the waterline.

"Ranma!" Akane called out. "There's something in the pond." The two approached what now looked to be a small space ship resting in the koi pond. The red head went over and looked in an jumped back. "Gahh! Its Cologne's brother." Akane peeked in and said, "Ranma, you baka, its just a cute furry alien. Don't pick on it!" She then whacked Ranma lovingly in the forehead with her hammer, leaving an odd shaped bruise. The girl picked up the creature and carried it in to the couch in the living room. The families gathered round and stared at the strange being that had fallen into their midst.

The creature groaned and muttered, "Man, I shouldn'ta cut the corner around that last beacon. Hey, this ain't the Tanner's place!" Then it looked around the room at the Tendos and Saotomes and settled on Ranma chan. "That mark!" looking at the bruise on Ranma chan's forehead, "Hey princess. Don't get mad. It was just laying there and I thought nobody needed it any more. Here you can have it back. It then tossed a short rod at Ranma. She caught it and suddenly, under a compulsion, held it up and shouted, "Melmac planetary power make up" then a sound like a 1957 chevy backfiring and starting up came from nowhere. She was lifted up into the air and her clothes vanished, showing everyone that she didn't use henna. Some sparkly lights appeared and she came to ground wearing a shiny silver plastic bikini and a ceramic tiara. Ranma realized that she was now holding a ceramic baseball bat with little cat shaped marks in a line down one side. The creature bowed low and said, "Hail princess China, Senshi of Melmac. You have returned after being missing since the Corelle Millennium!"


	2. Melmackian Shorts

Don't own Ranma, Alf or Sailor Moon. Its still a one shot, okay, a two shot.

**Melmackian Shorts**

* * *

"Well, Princess China…" "Its Ranma dammit! And I ain't no princess." "Well, 'Ranma', as the senshi of Melmac you have powers that could have saved Melmac from being destroyed, if you hadn't gone 'miss-sing'. Take your scepter and hold it up and say…" "Hey its just a baseball bat made of the same stuff as Kasumi's cooking thingies." "As I was 'saying', hold it up and speak out 'Mighty Melmac Cat Rotisserie!'" "C-c-c-cat! Where?" Alf watched the trail of dust settle as the pigtailed senshi disappeared over the horizon. He slowly covered his eyes in frustration as a sweatdrop formed on his tiny skull. "How am I gonna get a decent meal if the senshi of cat cuisine is afraid of the delicious little buggers?"

* * *

A sound of static discharge caused the diminutive alien to whirl about to see a green haired senshi with a mean looking staff stepping through a swirling portal. "You little s.o.b., you've ruined Crystal Tokyo's motif, (Imagine Tupperware Tokyo.) but at least I can protect Luna and Artemis from your depredations, you monster!" "Hey lady, you're stretchin the material" Pluto lifted the little alien by the scruff of the neck and the two vanished into a portal. 

The senshi of Pluto teleported out of the zoo's tiger cage wearing a smug grin, "Let him see what its like on the other end of the food chain."

The next morning, visitors were surprised to see a little round fur ball in the tiger exhibit picking its cute fangs with a small piece of sharpened bone. "Ahh, this is the life, I need ta thank that Pluto chick. Hey! Does anyone out there have any Tums?"

* * *

Ranma was going down the street wearing an overcoat. 'Where is that little rat! How am I supposed to get out of this outfit. I can't even change with hot water!' Suddenly a little purple blur went by and her trench coat was removed. "Sweeto! Hey Ranma, give an old man a thrill!" Ranma screamed at the pervert glomped onto her chest. She shouted, "Plastic Prison!" and there was a bright flash followed by the realization that her chest was no longer encumbered by the evil martial artist. There in front of her was a large plastic ware container bouncing around and emitting muffled swearing. "I guess Tupperware is really tough to hold that pervert like that." Ranma took her bat and took a bead on the Arctic and gave a chi enhanced whack, sending Happosai off to molest the polar bears. A Happosai shaped silhouette joined the cat marks on the bat. Loud applause caused her to sweatdrop as she noticed a crowd of women surrounding her, cheering.

* * *

Akane heard muffled cursing coming from the dojo. "That damned giant sewer rat! I'll kill 'im! #$&(&)." Ranma had finally worked out the detransformation. Akane looked on with pink hearts in her eyes, "Kawaii!" and glomped the cute female version of Alf. "Gurk…get me hot water! Can't. Breathe. Akane!" 

The End?

Thanks for the reviews. This won't be a series and there won't be any plot or meaningful dialog beyond these meaningless anecdotal paragraphs. If anyone wants to make a real story out of this, let me know. I can picture an amorous Alf getting Ranma as a fiancee from Genma for a couple bottles of sake. Hu-hu-hu-hu! Any body remember the homunculoids?


	3. two short

I don't own Ranma ½ or Sailor Moon or Alf or LOTR or BOTR, but hey, this is a parody or lampoon, so I can do what I want. BWAH HA HA HAHA HA cough cough!

**Melmac One Half: the nauseating third shot

* * *

**

Alf was walking down the streets of Nerima in a funk. "Just my luck that Princess China would have a cat phobia." He spotted a young man in a smoking crater wearing some billowed pants and walked up to get a better look. What he saw made his little beady eyes bug out. The foot shaped mark on his forehead, "No, it couldn't be!"

Tatewaki Kuno got up and stood, regally in the crater that he found himself occupying and spotted the short furry alien bowing, bumping his long proboscis into the pavement, repeatedly. "Ahh, I am so great that even the minor demons bow before mine exemplary presence!" Alf reached into Alf space and pulled out a broken sword that seemed to be made out of ceramic. The pieces were taped together and appeared ready to fall apart. The Melmackian presented the sword to Kuno and said, "It is apparent that you are the reincarnated Arrowroot, son of Arrowhead, king of Gonad, empire of West Melmac. This sword is your heritage, as your ancestor Illsuture used it to defeat Sorehead, ruler of Ordure, the evil cat hoarding empire of East Melmac and general pain in the butt. Take the Shards of Nasal and assume your rightful status!" "Aye. The gods smile upon me as I have known. But what use is a sword made of dinnerware? But hark!" A sound of someone hawking and spitting nearby. "I shall take this magical item of cookery in recognition of my greatness" Kuno took the sword's handle and light and smoke emanated from the blade. The smell of seasoned, cooked meat hung in the air. After the smoke cleared, Tatewaki was holding a restored blade that looked like it had tiny cat shaped marks down the blade. He was wearing a glittering bathrobe, a paper crown and leather garters. Alf thought, 'Its been forever since I smelled cat cutlets and gravy' "My king, will you now do what you were destined to do?" 'Man, I'm starving.' "Yea, verily! I now have the means to defeat the vile yeasty fen-sucking lout of a sorcerer Saotome and release my loves." So saying he leapt to a roof and bounded off to parts unknown. Alf was left behind in a face fault, thinking, 'Were all of our leaders idiots?'

* * *

Meanwhile, a furry, shivering Ranma-chan was sitting amidst a number of stuffed animals as a bouncy Asuza Shiratori fussed over her newly acquired Margueride. "Now my precious Margueride, you look so beautiful in that pink dress and Georgina loves it too!" Referring to the shackle one Ranma's leg, chained to the floor. 


End file.
